The attack of the flaming bacon bombs

by Ken Carpenter

            I know people who would kill for bacon. Don’t laugh, it’s true. If they had been lost in the woods for a week and suddenly found their way to your campsite, and you denied them the pile of bacon on your plate, they would murder you and gobble the bacon.

            Several months later they would be ruled innocent by a very understanding jury that bought the Temporary Insanity plea. This same jury would have sent out to Wendy’s every day for 12 Baconnaters, six luscious strips of bacon on a half-pound cheeseburger. Wendy’s sold 25 million in its first eight weeks on the market, and would gladly pay half of a Human Baconnater’s defense bill as wise advertising.

            Over two billion pounds of bacon is made in the U.S.A. every year. It is one of the oldest specially prepared meats in history, with traces of it found from 1500 B.C. The word bacon is said to come from the German word “bacho”, which means buttock.

            No wonder men love bacon so much.

            Men have no monopoly on bacon love. I think my sister’s favorite meal, the one she would choose on Death Row as her very last supper, would be a pound of crispy bacon. Sorry Sis, the truth had to come out sooner or later.

            There is a T-shirt saying “I’d be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees.” Of course, even vegetarians don’t go without their own form of bacon, even if it is made of soy products. It looks, acts and tastes like a baconish impersonator, but it might still be called a bacon cousin just because of its desire to be so.

Right here I am going on record as an enemy of fake bacon bits, like the things in a jar that you are supposed to put on a salad. It is not so much that they are hideous, but you taste them for like four days. Urp!

            “Bringing home the bacon” is a famous expression whose origin is a little uncertain. Some say it comes from an old 12th century English custom that awarded a side of bacon to any couple who had celebrated their one-year wedding anniversary and the husband could swear before the congregation and God that they had not argued for a year and a day. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’d lie like a rug for a pound of bacon, so I doubt they were all honest. 

             Another possible version comes from European peasants in the 1500’s who could rarely afford to buy pork. When they did, they would hang it up to show off to any visitors, showing that they were able to “bring home the bacon”. To really show off, they would cut off slivers to share with the company, and then sit around and “chew the fat”.

            There are a lot of different bacons made around the world, and naturally American bacon is renowned for being made from the fattiest part, the belly. Americans could care less, we like being fat.

            When Jon Stewart of The Daily Show heard about the new bacon-flavored mayonnaise product, Baconnaise, he just had to make a comment on American gluttony and sloth: “for people who want heart disease, but are too lazy to actually make the bacon.”

            Bacon may actually get a little bit of a bum rap when it comes to fat. It has no trans fat and if fried crisp and drained it only contains about 30 to 40 calories per slice. That makes a few slices on their own healthier in terms of calories, salt, fat and cholesterol than a hot dog, hamburger or glazed donut.

            Of course, who just eats a few slices of bacon? Nobody! It is so much better heaped up on something!

            My dear wife is making us some dark chocolate-coated bacon to go with dinner tonight, so I can strut around like a real man and brag about my bacon fueled fervor. It actually sounds good, as does a maple bar with three slices of crisp bacon layered on top. I’ll be having one of those soon too, though I doubt it will be more than a bi-yearly treat.

            Bacon products are getting out of hand though, in my humble opinion. Bacon-infused vodka, bacon ice cream, deep-fried bacon, bacon soda-pop and every kind of bacon pastry you can think of. As I mentioned, make mine maple bar.

            For the woman who has tried everything in the world to attract a man short of dressing in cellophane, there is a very interesting option out there. It has always been said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and now the Fargginay Company has found a way to make it easy. They are selling two versions of Classic Bacon Fragrance perfume, either one of which can make a man drool from 100 feet away.  

            Oddly, they are marketed to both sexes. If you run into a member of the opposite sex who is wearing the same stuff, well, let’s just say it is a match made in a frying pan.

            There is a good chance they would both have some Bacon Drink Tabs in their pocket. These effervescent tablets add fizzy bacon flavor to any liquid you add them to, and my stomach churns at the thought.

            Mark “The Human Vacuum” Lyle set the modern bacon eating record by scarfing 54 slices in five minutes. I don’t know why, I must be getting jaded, but that barely impresses me.

            In closing I must make some mention of using bacon as a weapon, though in truth it was bacon on the hoof called war pigs. A siege in 266 B.C. was led by one country’s vast army of war elephants, putting their foe at a disadvantage for of elephants they had none.

            The besieged army of Megarians (Who?!) doused a bunch of pigs with combustible resin and set them aflame, then drove the flaming, squealing swine towards the massed war elephants of Antigonus II Gonata (Anti, is that really you?).

Apparently elephants hate flaming, squealing pigs, so they bolted in terror, killing bunches of their own soldiers and ending the siege. I feel just awful for those poor, heroic hogs.

That terrible waste of bacon brings a tear to my eye too.