Gumming yummy Gummi stuff

by Ken Carpenter

I have recently made a titillating discovery that has me smacking my lips like a raccoon eyeballing a bucket of bloody chicken butts. For the paltry sum of $166 and $20 shipping anyone can order a 27-pound Gummi Bear! It is called a “B.O.B.-Big Ol’ Bear!” and just the thought of it makes me vibrate like a, well, something that vibrates a lot with the help of batteries. Sugar rules and Gummi is better!

            I must admit, when I first saw B.O.B. I thought it would mean Big Obnoxious Bastard. Luckily my baser instincts do not rule the world. That said, I would have munched that bastard right down!

            This tempting treasure contains 12-pounds of sugar and is 5000 times bigger than a regular Gummi Bear. They claim it has 450 servings, but my steel-trap mind has deduced that it actually only contains about 50 servings. I love my Gummi stuff.

            The dealer also sells a 27-pound, seven-foot long Gummi Python. Picture that sweet snake curled up on the dinner table, surrounded by pink and green Peeps, when your surprised guests arrive. You couldn’t beat it with a diamond-studded shillelagh. Gummi Worms are my favorite, perhaps the best of all candies, and a giant wormy snake sounds awesome.

            An unofficial report out of Australia claims that a man ate 12-pounds and 12-ounces of Gummi Bears. The Guinness Book of World Records does not recognize this. Perhaps the fellow also drank 12-pounds and 12-ounces of tasty Foster’s Lager and forgot to let anyone know he did it.

Guinness has only one Gummi record, that being a fellow who crammed 55 Gummi Bears in his mouth and recited the Pledge of Allegiance. I’m really glad I missed that spectacle. I’d hate to have such a horrid sight turn me into a Commie.

I’d totally love to go for a gobbling record though. I might not establish anything noteworthy but I’d have some happy taste buds.

Hans Riegel, a clever confectioner from Germany, invented what he called Dancing Bears in 1922. The success of Gummi Bears has spawned many gummi animals and objects: rings, worms, frogs, snakes, hamburgers, cherries, fried eggs, sharks, penguins, hippos, lobsters, octopuses, spiders, snakes and more. The flavors are just as varied and new ones pop up every year.

I’m aware that there is absolutely no nutritional value to Gummi candy, unless you think the gelatin protein that mostly comes from melted animal parts is good for you. If that is what I have to get past to eat my gummy goodies, so be it. I’m not alone either, because adults account for 65% of the Gummi candy consumed in America.

That is probably because of the larger guts on us graybeards. It seems funny though, because when my boys were teenagers they never got full. Heck, they still don’t, except now they are tallying points for the adult consumption. Mystery solved.

For those sticklers who can’t abide liquefied pig penises in their candy, there is a Vegan brand of Gummi products lurking on store shelves here and there. Since lovers of Organic and vegetarian diets often pay double for almost the same thing, I am staying with the tried and true Gummi Worms, animal juice and all.

There are also Kosher Gummi candies, and Gummi vitamins are growing more popular every day. You can either get them with Vitamin C added or go for the expensive gusto of a Gummi Multi-Vitamin. If you can afford it, you can’t do without it.

There are, of course, sugar free Gummi sweets, but I gave up sugar-free things long ago. They are the first-cousin to poison if you ask me.

Keep in mind that this is coming from the guy who is willing to eat a 26-pound Big Obnoxious Bastard. So please, eat the sugar-free ones. They are good for you (he says with a maniacal cackle).