The Fanny Chronicles

by Ken Carpenter

I’ve been writing this column for 20 years now, but have been negligent in my constant search for material by not focusing an article on one of the most important body parts: the butt. Yes, I have made numerous references to it, but it never got to be the buttheadliner. Er, I mean headliner.

            I can see where this is heading, Mr. Guttersnipe.

            Contrary to popular opinion, the butt can be a singularly intelligent being. Why, I recently taught mine to quack like a duck, on command! I’m sure you too can accomplish this feat, but I refuse to teach a class on the logistics of this highly fartistic……Oh my, I meant artistic, maneuver.

            The gutter can be a cozy place.

            Now, I want to share a bit of trivia about the rump, king of the bottom feeders. If you give it too much guff, it will clog up and kill you. Be nice to it and it will be nice to you.

            A proctologist is a butt doctor. I am pleased to inform you that there is one in Houston named Dr. Donald Butts. He must be very proud.

            There are 20 Seymour Butts and 19 Harry Butts living in America. Some parents don’t have enough sense to be naming a baby.

            American architect Alfred Mosher Butts was the inventor of the popular word game Scrabble in 1938. Butts is only seven points, so just use in an emergency.

            Pygalgia is the medical term for a pain in the butt. Yes, I agree, I can be one. However, if you address me as Mr. Pygalgia on the street, I will ignore you.

            The clinical term for a having a hairy rump is dasypygal. Since you asked, that could also apply to me. No nicknames, please.

            The word callipygian means, “having shapely buttocks.” No comment, my wife Joy has been eyeballing me suspiciously since I told her what my subject matter was.

            Fox news yacker Bill O’Reilly claims to have invented the word quakebuttock, which is used to call someone a coward or sissy. My research shows that it is actually an Old English term. Whatever the origin, I like it and will use it occasionally if it happens to fit.

            The gluteus maximus is the largest muscle in the body. It should come as no surprise that some people have waaaayyyy larger maximus muscles than others.

            A crupper is the rump of a horse. Some people will insert ginger into the crupper if they want their steed to step lively and keep its tail high. Please don’t tell my wife that, my crupper is sensitive.

            The Iron Butt Association is a motorcycle-riding group that participates every two years in the 11,000-mile-plus Iron Butt Rally. Unless I can motorize my couch they will have to do it without me.

            If you go to England, do not refer to your rump as your fanny. Over there they use it as a vulgar term for a female’s private parts. They also refer to fanny packs as bum bags, but bums rarely wear them.

            It is not fun to be the butt of a joke. Believe me, I know.

            I guess it is time to say, “The butt stops here!”

            I know, I know. “Whatever.”