Is man more chimp or woman?

by Ken Carpenter

            I know that you can’t trust all scientists, much less all of their conclusions, but I read something interesting that I wanted to pass along.

            Some brainiac figures that DNA evidence shows the human male shares 98.7% of his DNA with a male chimpanzee and only 98.4% with the human female. As I peel a banana and scratch my behind at the same time, I am contemplating this strange claim.

            He also states that we share 75% of our DNA with a nematode, which is a kind of earthworm. I don’t know about you, but I never liked being called a worm, even if I am having a very satisfying roll in the dirt, which can be quite comforting.

            OK, let’s start at the top. A man, a woman and a chimp are strolling down Main Street, they get to a shoe store, and the woman physically drags the unsurprised man and the bewildered chimp into the store.

            Within five minutes the man has found, tried on and purchased a pair of shoes that fit perfectly. In the same amount of time the chimp has discovered that the purple stiletto heels make a dynamite back-scratcher, so the man buys them for him.

            An hour later man and chimp are still sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk out in front of the store, leisurely scratching every inch of their bodies with the nifty stilettos. The woman is just then staggering out the door with four pairs of ill-fitting shoes, each pair of which only match one of the outfits hanging in her closet.

            After divvying up the load, the trio continues their little jaunt. They decide that a bite to eat wouldn’t be bad, so they stop by the Slappy’s Pappy Makes ‘Em Happy sandwich booth. Man and chimp order 12-inch subs with three inches of meat and cheese heaped between white French bread rolls.

             They plop on the grass and dig in, interested in only one thing, a quick and untimely demise to their huge sandwiches. It does not occur to them that their companion is still ordering a healthy, complicated concoction on Columbian pumpkin seed bread until they both finish their meal, burp and look at each other in surprise.

            Mama has just daintily sat on the last available lawn stool, eying her sandwich with suspicion. Did they skimp on the sprouts again?

            Man and chimp sigh and dig out the stilettos. Just then both of them perk up their ears, for the distinctive “plop, plop” of two beers being opened has just wisped past them on the afternoon breeze. The nearest bar is two blocks away, but male hearing is attuned to that particular noise.

The woman hears nothing, but an instant later her nostrils flare and she looks around, suddenly wary. She can smell beer, but does not spy any drunks lurking nearby. Women can smell a burp from three blocks away, and analyze the last two meals the cretin has eaten with one whiff.

This admittedly unscientific and potentially biased scenario will not likely sway the judgment of anybody out there. Every man will have to decide for himself if he is more ape or woman, and every woman will have to decide if her man has very much in common with an ape. I do suspect that a few doubts will pop up here and there, but probably not anything serious.

For the men, I would try not to get too upset if your wife brings home twenty pounds of bananas. They might have been on sale, and no woman can resist a good markdown.

For the ladies, if you catch your husband trying on your bloomers, don’t treat him too harshly.

He could have been sitting up in the tree out front, eating bugs.

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