Evil Eyes Are Not To Be Taken Lightly

by Ken Carpenter

There isn’t a single living human that hasn’t given and received “the evil eye”. If I had plucked out and pickled all the ones that have been aimed my direction I’d have a ten-gallon jar of them.

                Wouldn’t my wife like seeing that in the pantry.

                There have been tons of books written about the history and dynamics of the evil eye. It is not a thing of the past, and it is not taken lightly in even many advanced countries.

                Since I seem to be such an evil eye magnet, I decided that I could use a talisman to protect myself. I got on the Internet and typed in “evil eye talismans” and was amazed to see that 653,000 sites had content related to it. Amulets, beads, figurines and who knows what are for sale, all of them claiming to combat the evil eye. There is even a chat board devoted to those who exchange the favored methods for preparing oneself for an evil eye encounter.

                I guess evil has always been big business, but I didn’t dream that what I had taken to calling the beagle eye was such a big serious deal. Luckily for me, I did a little research and saved myself some money. It turns out that as long as I have a butt, I might not need a talisman.

                That’s right! Numerous countries believe that if you are getting the evil eye from someone, you can fight it by reaching back and pinching your own buttocks. I scratch mine quite a bit, so working in a pinch once in a while should be easy.

                Evil eye belief started thousands of years ago in the Mideast, and slowly spread throughout Europe, Africa and as far east as India. Eventually it got to South, Central and North America. I guess it is always nice to have something to blame if you have a run of bad luck, so it caught on quickly.

                I have usually blamed my own boneheaded ways for most of my bad luck. It turns out it could have been the evil eyes I attracted all along.

                In Spain they call them bad eyes, in Brazil they are fat eyes, in Arabic it is the hot eye and in the Persian language it’s the salty eye. The bottom line is, the old hairy eyeball has quite the villainous reputation.

The general belief is that the evil caused by a withering gaze is specifically connected to the drying, desiccation and dehydration of its target. No wonder I get so thirsty.

I wonder if that drying out theory has anything to do with all the original Rolling Stones members looking so much like 150-pound hunks of jerky.

Someone who is envious of another’s possessions can even cause the effects of an evil eye involuntarily. You should also beware of those who shower too much praise, for while their eye is not evil it can still cause damage.

It is thought that blue and green eyes can bring on the greatest evil. Maybe that is why jealousy is known as the green-eyed monster.

I think everybody should practice their evil eye techniques, just in case some jerk is deserving of a good drying out. Here are a few useful tips that might help.

Locate your victim and concentrate on the reason you are giving them the fat eye. This will increase the malignant power of your stare.

Squint your eyes, raise one eyebrow and tighten your lips. You want to ooze malice, so try not to gape like an idiot.

Just in case you are getting nailed with an evil eye in return, reach back and give your rump a couple pinches. More than two would be unseemly, so don’t get carried away.

Contort your face into a mask of displeasure and hold it. Whatever you do, don’t think about when your Mom used to tell you not to make a face or it would freeze like that. 

If your target makes a hasty exit, you have won and they will get really thirsty and really unlucky in a hurry.

If they come over and pound your mask into fleshy mulch, retire from the evil eye business and hire an expert next time.

You might find one on the Internet under Evil Eyes for Fun and Profit.