Bunny gluttony, bunny hops and bunny chops

by Ken Carpenter



Lordy, how the sun changes all the activity around our place. The goats are frisky, the chickens are roaming, the dogs are begging for more walks and the rabbits are just being rabbits. They don’t seem to change much.

“What will be, will be” is their motto.

I like them fine, but I am not so sure that they like me much. They aren’t exactly attention hogs, but they do seem to think that having humans fairly (emphasis on fairly) close is a good thing.

Of course, we are the food and watering Gods. I’m thinking that counts pretty high on the Animal List of brownie points. They still don’t seem to spend much time oozing gratitude for our godlike behavior though.

Rabbits never fared very well in my family’s history until these two came along. I still remember the time our family was sitting around the table chomping down some very tasty meat. All of a sudden my youngest brother Nathan, two and a half years old, casually replied, “I wonder if this is Leona or Tonto.”

My dear, departed sister Elana, who existed under the illusion that every rabbit we ever butchered had been part of periodic, mass jailbreak when they disappeared, grabbed her throat and wailed. “Leooonaaa!” She then ran to her bedroom and remained on her bed for hours.

Rabbit does taste like chicken, by the way.

Yes, it was sad, but man alive was it funny! Given the circumstances, we had to make an attempt to maintain a respectful silence. No chore has ever been as hard as that one, and I’m surprised that my brother Steve and I didn’t die of rabbit snickering. Nate just munched away contentedly, oblivious.

The two rabbits that roam our home site are named BunBun and (a moment of silence please) Blumpkin. Blump is doing fine, but his name is a disgrace to common decency. Please do not Google it unless your mind is mired in the gutter. Needless to say, I named him as my part of a power deal with my wife Joy. It was one of those evil little, “OK, I’ll do it if I can name the spotted rabbit.” I kind of regret it, but Blump would not be half bad if not for the “kin” that is attached.

The World’s Largest Rabbit is currently a five-year old male from the United Kingdom named Ralph. In April of 2013 he snatched the record from another English bunny named Darius, a 50-pounder, by tipping the scales at 55 pounds. Ralph comes from good stock, for his father Roberto and his mother Amy both held the title at different times.

The British seem to be the Mad Hatters of the world’s rabbit lovers. They have not only bred the biggest rabbits since people first gave a crap about such a thing, but they now have a new bunny kick.

The Swedes originated the sport of bunny jumping in the 1970’s. It is a rabbit race with hurdles, some 28-inches high, where the handler runs alongside with a leash on the blistering bunny. It is now popular in Europe, America and Australia but none can really compete with the Swedes, Danes and Norwegians yet.

This galls the rabbit relishing Brits no end, but no matter how hard they try, their hopping hares (sorry, hares are not rabbits. Does anyone care?) can’t even qualify for a race with their gloating competitors to the northeast.

When I informed my wife about British bunny jumping she cracked up at the thought of a line of traditionally stoic, stiff upper lip Brits glaring at their hurdling-impaired bunnies. Stereotypes can be fun at times, and I’m sure they would all wish to have the pocketbook to be glaring at horses instead. 

The Guinness World Record for the highest jump by a rabbit is 39.2 inches. A Danish bunny called The Lassie of Quivering Grove accomplished this amazing leap in 1997. I fear that our two rabbits BunBun and Blumpkin would be considered poor white trailer trash if they met any foreign cousins.

I can see that I am being long winded again and have barely touched the surface of the rabbit history and trivia I wished to get into. Elmer Fudd will have to wait a little while longer.

Let’s just say that I’m hopping mad to get on with more rapid rabbit reports, but you will have to wait until next week. Right now, I have a craving to eat some carrots and wiggle my nose for a while.

I can’t imagine why.