The drain on your brain lies mainly in the…er, plain?

by Ken Carpenter

There are occasions, such as now, when I feel that there is no human in the universe as clueless as I am. Those times usually arise when it is time, or in this case way past time, to write my weekly drivel. Drivel is not as easy as it sounds. It demands the function of at least 49 of my brain cells, all at the same time, and I am quite often most comfortable using only six or seven. We all have far too many brain cells anyway, they just take up space that would be better utilized as storage space for spare batteries for my nose hair trimmer.
Actually, horrors, that is a big fat lie, for I do not have a nose hair trimmer. The funny thing is, I am one of the few people I know who could actually use one. For some reason they terrify me though, so if my dwindling brain pan space opens up some spare room I will use it for something less lethal.
There are approximately 100 billion brain cells, called neurons, in the average human brain. If they were laid end to end they would stretch 250,000 miles. I know that for a fact because when it was 20 below last week I paced it out trying to stay warm in my drafty house.
It would take you 3171 years to count your brain cells. Unless you drink a few beers, then it is shortened to 79 minutes.
The average human brain weighs three pounds. Astoundingly enough, when you were born your brain weighed almost a third of that and you had just about as many brain cells as you have today. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think that means we are all getting dumber as we get older.
Oddly enough, an average adult’s skin weighs twice as much as their brain. I don’t know exactly what that means, but for some strange reason it makes me itch.
When you reach the age of eighteen your brain stops growing. That must be why our kids all think we are idiots, and come to think of it maybe they are right.
Information can travel through your brain at 268 miles per hour. That is the good news, and it probably happens at 11:00 AM on a sunny Friday when you need to come up with an excuse to take the afternoon off. The bad news is the same information can travel as slow as one mile per hour, most likely on one of those horrid Monday mornings we all know too well. Of course, we all know a few people whose thoughts will never exceed one mile per hour , regardless what day it is.
Some brainiac determined that a human brain is capable of having more ideas than the number of atoms in the known universe. I have no idea how they determined that, maybe they attended a PTA meeting.
It is said that if we could harness the power used by our brain, we could power a 10-watt bulb. Forgive me for saying so, but that sounds like a mighty dim bulb to me.
All this talk about brains is giving me a headache, but at least I somehow struggled through another mindless batch of drivel.
If you decide to con your way into Friday afternoon off, there is a three-day weekend ahead, rest your brain ahead of time.
And don’t blame me if you can’t go the speed limit.