Ads for the lonely are not for the meek

by Ken Carpenter

The world has gone advertising crazy. My one and only defense of that statement is the legion of dating ads you find in almost every publication and half the websites in America.
Dating is now on a par with Tide laundry detergent, or would be if it weren’t slightly soiled.
I am a little befuddled by all the fuss. My experience with dating since the onslaught of my second bachelorhood has taught me that I am not very good at it. At least not good enough to run an ad that will give a complete stranger the opportunity to abuse me.
Dating can quite often be as stressful as a trip to the dentist, minus the gas. It has more than that in common with dental care, for a cynic could envision many dates as just another unexpected bill.
The dating services don’t agree however, and according to them they can provide any breathing human with not one but dozens of perfect matches, for a nominal fee, of course.
I decided to check one out, purely in the interests of scientific research you understand.
The sampling I dug into had 76 ads placed by females wanting to meet Mr. Right. Half were under 35 years old and half over.
I could tell right off the bat that I would most likely not match the qualifications for any of them. Believe it or not, there was not a single ad requesting a meeting with a stubby, paunchy, balding, tongue-tied fellow with a sick mind.
Sheesh, I thought to myself, these women are picky. What on earth does the modern woman want?
Eighteen of them wanted a guy with a love for the outdoors, and three of those specifically asked for a mountain man. Visions of Grizzly Adams popped into my mind and I shook my head in disbelief. I never thought of Grizz as the type to inspire romantic interest.
Nine ladies said they wanted a sports fan and I was immediately suspicious. It sounded like a ploy to get some poor sap parked on the couch in front of a three-hour ballgame where his sensibilities could be overwhelmed with brownies and nachos.
I was pleased to see that eight women deemed a sense of humor important. None of them added twisted or warped to the humor though, so I refused to get my hopes up.
A fun dude was considered worthy by seven dateless ladies. One person’s fun is another person’s torture I always say, so that did not mean much to me.
The next most popular attribute was a tie between tall and honest. Only a pygmy might consider me tall, so I was out of luck there. As for honest, I consider myself as honest as the next guy. I fear I would not appear so in any social meeting with a strange woman however. Nervousness is often associated with criminal behavior.
Next up for popularity was being a good Christian. While I am not exactly a pagan, I am also not a believer.
A handsome face was seen as critical by four hopeful advertisers.
The rest of the ads had an assortment of key requirements. Two each wanted a drinker, a traveler, a horse lover, a music fan, and a biker.
One wanted somebody sweet and one wanted a crazy man.
One alone stood out as someone who could not be disappointed. All she wanted was a male who has not yet been buried.
I think I have now done enough research to reach a decision on what I need to do.
It is obviously time for another date with the dentist. That might at least be painless.