Everything you never wanted

by Ken Carpenter

I have had a lifelong fascination with totally worthless objects. A guy just can’t have enough of them.
I recently stumbled across an Internet ad for a catalog called “Things You Never Knew Existed (and other items you can’t POSSIBLY live without!)”. It was too much to resist, and besides it was free and I am also a sucker for free.
When it arrived in the mail a few weeks later, after I had forgotten all about it, I was pleased to see that one of the items shown on the cover was a T-shirt that says WARNING-I HAVE GAS AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
“Excellent,” I muttered in an evil manner, rubbing my hands together. I’ll bet my dear sister would love one of those for Christmas.
I opened the catalog up to a random page and was pleased yet again to see eight flatulence-related devices on pages 16 and 17 alone. The holiday season this year might be a musical time indeed, and not with Jingle Bells.
There are gifts for every age, but I have to admit that even I would not be low enough to give the ‘Billy Bob Pacifier’ to an innocent baby. When they are sucking on it it makes them look like they have the huge, crooked buck teeth of a slackjawed yokel. Hideous is all I can say, and there are other things just as bad.
There are size 100 panties or briefs, no kidding, that you can hang on your neighbor’s clothesline to inspire some less than neighborly remarks from passersby.
There are peek-a-boo shower curtains, with either a muscle-man or bosomy-woman on them that has a clear plastic panel for a face so you can look out and provide the visage for them. They are only $19.98, a real bargain.
If you ever wanted a talking toilet paper holder, get ready for this; they are on sale!
There are instruction manuals galore. Everything from the how-to Time Travel Book, a self-help Razor-Sharp Mind Book, and a Born To Sing DVD (you too can sing like a bird!). The Time Travel one tempts me, I always wanted to give Richard Nixon a wedgie.
There is also, since you can’t escape their ads anywhere on Earth, a Brand-X alternative to Viagra. Two kinds, Ultra and Instant (for the impatient man), are available.
A Cell Phone Voice Changer might be handy for all the obscene phone callers out there who are tired of just calling strangers.
Some Spy Sunglasses would make an excellent gift for your paranoid brother. They work like little rearview mirrors, but nobody can tell. To top it off, they also protect against UV rays!
There is a complete Halloween costume section, including one to turn you into a life-size Whoopee Cushion. Unfortunately it says you have to provide your own sound effects and it spelled whoopee as Woopie.
That is a sacrilege if ever I saw one.