Help! A moose walked over my grave and I can’t stop shivering!

by Ken Carpenter

“Whatsamatter, a goose walk over your grave?”
Many folks can rely on hearing this remark almost every time they suffer an unexplainable shiver, like the one you get if you visualize your Great Aunt Bessie wearing a string bikini.
My question is, how did geese become renowned for loitering in cemeteries? It is not like there are legions of beady-eyed geese in little black trench coats roaming the countryside looking for graves to dance a jig on.
If the powers that control such things are determined for a goose to be involved, the saying should be “Whatsamatter, did a goose dropping splatter on your grave?”
That would be the more likely event to occur, for geese fly all over the place and they have notoriously rude toilet manners. Not to mention, their droppings are big enough to bring a cow to its knees if hit in the head from 500 feet up.
It would still make a lot more sense to blame a shiver on the future footsteps of a moose or a hippo, whose size would make it much more likely for a tiny shudder to be sent back through eternity.
I suppose there could be a future tribe of super geese with ESP-powered brains the size of one of Dolly Parton’s bosoms that might be able to mail us a shiver, but I doubt it.
It’s not that I don’t believe in psychic phenomenon, because I am always ready to accept the existence of ghosts, spirits, banshees, and other assorted entities. I just don’t want any goosey ones messing with me. It’s creepy.
There is one goose-related term I like. It is ‘a gaggle of geese’, which just has a ring to it that is pleasing to the ear. Gaggle is a Middle English word meaning ‘to cackle’, which if I am not mistaken is how chickens communicate. Anyway, it came to stand for a flock of geese who are not in flight and is often used to describe a pack of humans who are all experiencing overly excited vocal cords at the same time.
I often call my four wiener dogs silly geese, which is probably a cliché by now but it seems to fit. Geese do not seem any sillier than any other birds or animals to me, but they are stuck with that reputation now and are not likely to lose it at this stage.
As a matter of fact, a ‘murderous goose’ would seem to be more accurate, at least from my experience. Any bull goose I ever met was interested in one thing above all others.
Sneaking up behind me and giving the back of my thighs the deadly goose-twist pinch, which could bring a giant ape to tears.
Geese are cranky and have little tolerance for strangers, and if anyone has a use for a guard dog they might consider opting for a guard goose. Except for their toilet manners, which as I already mentioned are atrocious and unlikely to change with any amount of training.
Hmmmm, something seems to have just walked over my future resting place, for I just endured a sudden shiver from the blue.
I am kind of hoping for a moose.
I want nothing to do with one of those Parton-brained geese from the future.